Lately, in the past four months this same type of dream keeps recurring. It’s me needing to go back to middle school, high school, or college because I obtained my degree but did not fulfill all the credits, so my diploma doesn’t exactly “count” until I complete the credits. This dream did not come to me last night because I could not fall asleep, different thoughts raced through my mind and none of my usual “go to sleep” methods worked. I fell asleep well past 4 a.m. so when sleep did come, my mind didn’t settle into dream mode. So as I write this I am running on Rockstar, which perks me up and causes my heart to feel crazy. Anyway…
Clearly, I feel inadequate and insufficient in my skills. My confidence took a bit of a beating this year and it’s getting to me. It’s a fear that I’ve harbored for the longest time, since high school. My intelligence, skills, and expertise were put into question, feeding my insecurities.
Back in high school I felt like I lived in two worlds. I took college prep courses for everything except math. There really is a difference in the type of student that takes CP classes and the type that takes remedial or “basic” classes. The students who are in the lower level classes behave a different way and often face different issues than CP and up students. This doesn’t mean students in higher level classes are picture perfect kids with perfect families, of course not, but there is a difference in behavior. I felt like a fake, phony, unworthy to be in the higher level classes. I felt like I didn’t quite fit with the kids from good families with better grades and study habits. I was an imposter around them. But then… I didn’t exactly feel like I was a “trouble” kid either, but I felt more comfortable with them. I didn’t feel like I was faking it.
I still feel awkward trying to consider myself a “writer.” Even though I’m not supposed to, and I know not to, I always compare my writing to others. When I first took up journalism I never felt my articles were up to par with my fellow staff writers at the high school and college papers. Whenever I received an A on a paper I just thought, “Why? It’s not even good!” Honestly, I didn’t always put my best effort into my academic papers, every student slacks off on papers…right?
Now I’m not writing this as a cry for help, a plea for attention. I’m just putting it out there. This is what goes on in my head. Now of course I must contain a smidge of confidence if I pursued a career based on writing and maintain a blog. So yes I admit my writing is better than the average Joe on the internet. I just sometimes feel it’s not spectacular, not worthy of being labeled “professional.”
Okay my eyes burn and I feel like this is starting to ramble.