Drowning in Doubt

Recently I took on a new opportunity. I felt ready for a new challenge, ready to dive into something new. Feelings of doubt and apprehension did rise but I tried to shove them down and let the “what ifs” subside so I could enjoy this new journey.

Now, I know this might sound a bit vague, but I want to express myself without spilling all the beans about my personal or professional life. So please bear with me.

Santa Cruz Island ocean view via moniqueis.com

The whole time I felt like I was floating in the middle of the ocean on a small raft with small islands off in the distance. I couldn’t paddle fast or hard enough. The islands were right within my reach yet unattainable despite my efforts. I tried so hard to be successful.

I dreamt that I needed to go back to middle school. My bachelor’s degree became invalid, I needed to fulfill a P.E. credit I somehow missed along the way. Walking through the halls of my middle school I came across other former classmates trying to fulfill missed credits. They were tall, heads floating above the crowded hallways filled with tweens. My old locker at the end of the row sat banged, beat up and worn.

My days filled with anxiety as I tried to do more than my best and I tried to meet the expectations. Soon the anxiety and stress overflowed into tears. Tears of frustration. The islands disappeared from my view. I floated on my raft in the middle of the ocean with nothing to reach for.

I fell into the water. Gasped for air. They pulled the raft from under me. More tears. I could not allow the salty water to fill me up and make me sink. I sank anyway. It’s hard not to sometimes. I felt like a big fish from a small pond thrown into the ocean. I could not survive.

I should not doubt myself but I can’t help it, did I just get lucky once? Is that path over now? Time to go back to the old way? Calculate numbers I don’t understand, drown in paperwork and complaint lines? Anxiety knows how to take over, sit on your chest, twist your skin and press firmly and steadily on your lungs.

I am a small fish aren’t I.

Monique is Blog Signature

 

2 thoughts on “Drowning in Doubt”

  1. We are all small fish, in some sense, but having been the small fish several times the past year… I can promise you that sometimes, it’s not the fish… it’s the pond 🙂 Chin up buttercup. I know you (have done) and will do GREAT things.

    xo

  2. I agree with Alyssa, sometimes it’s the pond and I really believe that that’s true in this case. You are talented and inspiring. I am sorry to hear that you are not getting enough support from the other fish in that pond right now. I totally get that small fish feeling, too. Let me know if you ever want to vent. 🙂

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